Status: Felix Leiter
Registriert seit: 19.09.2002
| Erstellt am 11.07.2003 - 20:54|| |
hier ein paar Bondbarodien, die man so findet:
MATZOHBALL (March 26, 2003) From 1966, this is a sequel to the previous year’s LOXFINGER. What we’re dealing with here is a broad parody of the James Bond books and movies. If you’ve ever read the Harvard Lampoon’s BORED OF THE RINGS, you have a general idea of the thrust of this book. Both this and LOXFINGER were written by Sol Weinstein, who appears on the back cover doing his impression of a spy in a trenchcoat, cigarette in his mouth, taking aim with a pretty big slingshot.(At every possible opportunity, Weinstein adds a footnote at the bottom of page mentioning how extremely wonderful LOXFINGER is, and giving details on how to order it.)So, let’s see. There appear to be three main elements making up this book. First, of course, is the heavy use of Jewish humour, including a huge number of puns involving both Yiddish and English, as well as that certain wry attitude that reminds me of early Woody Allen’s standup act. Our hero is essentially a parallel universe version of James Bond. Agent Oy Oy Seven of the Hebrew Secret Service (no relationship to the real and very dangerous Israeli Secret Service), Israel Bond is a handsome, tough, patriotic secret agent with a license to kill and a heavyhanded line of patter. It`s reached the point now where his fellow agents expect him to come up with a clever remark after someone gets killed and he sometimes feel hassled by the cliché.I don`t find any of this offensive, personally. Israel Bond carries a deadly weapon made from a modified mezzuzah (that tiny cylinder with a scroll inside which observant Jews wear), and his mezzuzah has a poison tipped dart inside. He also (when disguised as a rabbi) flings a steellined yarmulke with deadly effect. If you were really strict, you could take exception to this, but it`s not much more outrageous than Van Helsing swiping holy water from a church to throw at vampiresThe second element in the mix is all the topical references. Again, almost every paragraph has a pun that would have seemed pretty funny in 1966. Unfortunately, unless you’re old enough to have been there or happen to be a well versed scholar in 1960s American pop culture, you won’t get these gags. Either they won’t catch your eye at all or else they will be merely puzzling. A doctor uses a Johnson & Humphrey Q-tip (these were the names of the American President and Vice-president at the time), a monk is named Brother Thelonius (after legendary jazzman Thelonius Monk) and so forth. To be amusing to the typical young reader today, MATZOHBALL would need thorough annotations and nothing kills a joke more thoroughly than explaining it.But the factor in the storytelling which gives it coherence and unity is its parody of Ian Fleming`s style. If you’ve read a few of Fleming`s Bond books, you’ll recognize his trademarks used here in a twisted way. Where Fleming`s Bond always uses specfic brand products to show what good taste and luxury he enjoys, Israel Bond details all his paraphenalia with equal praise... but since they`re generic Mall labels, the effect is ludicrous. (Bond wears "Lazy Possum hush puppies by Thom McCan" rather than those black knitted silk ties). Also Fleming`s sly asides are exaggerated here. (When Israel Bond is tense, his tightened forearm snaps the metal band of his Speidel watch). There is also the casual omnisience of both the narrator and Bond himself, and the brutal damage the hero sustains (he gets wounded in the shoulder, gets a broken arm and has extensive blood loss enough times to put him in an ICU.)The book surprisingly doesn`t get bogged down for most of its length, because the Flemingesque storyline gives it some momentum. These bizarre characters are only slightly more fantastic than the ones Fleming made so convincing somehow (Dr. Nu, General Bolsheeyit, the gorgeous Fawn Connery *ack*, Hebrew agent Zvi Gates) and the various plots involving smuggling a house built of matzoh in Russia or a Communist uprising on the island of El Tiparillo are goofy but also nostalgically familiar. Still, after awhile, the material does become tiresome and this might have worked better as a short story than a full novel.
Jüdischer 007, lustige Sache.
From 1966, this was the fourth in the series of "Man From O.R.G.Y." books by Ted Mark. He`s pretty much forgotten today, but in the 1960s and early 1970s, Ted Mark (Gottfried) turned out a long series of bestselling light erotic spoofs for Lancer paperbacks. Despite its title, DR NYET is not so much a Bond satire specifically, as it is a general spy romp.
Reading a Ted Mark book today is a slightly disorienting experience. Aside from the then-topical political references to Charles de Gaulle, Rhodesia’s apartheid or Beatlemania, the euphemisms used to describe sexual activity are so strained and odd (`she sipped the nectar-heavy straw of my passion`) that they make the scenes not so much exciting as goofy. He gives his characters names like Jock O`Steele, Horace Crampdick and Mrs Vendergash (okay, I get it) and throws in characters you’re not likely to meet in your average thriller, such as the eunuch Nepalese spy Singh Huy-eva.
For some inexplicable reason, I do like Lagula, the tiny African pygmy who works for British intelligence. The image of this well spoken, snappily dressed guy running around the world with his blowgun and poison darts is irresistible. Imagine Bond entering M`s office as Lagula is leaving after a briefing. We meet Lagula again in MY SON, THE DOUBLE AGENT, trying to get away from his five wives.
Putting aside the sexual encounters every chapter or so, and the Playboy Party Jokes which decorate every page, Ted Mark tells a decent spy story, especially by the loose standards of the genre in the mid 1960s. Steve Victor, the man from O.R.G.Y. is a self employed sex researcher who does write articles and give lectures on erotic practices but who is actually in the profession so he can get some. He is grudgingly in a freelance arrangement with a top secret espionage spook called Charles Putnam, who sends Steve on dangerous missions where his special qualifications are useful.
Steve’s main opponent is a sinister worldwide organization called SMUT, whose goal is to eliminate all sexual activity (direct or sublimated) except for procreation. Since they also oppose birth control and abortion, SMUT is ultimately working to make the world population skyrocket out of control, creating huge masses of possible slaves to those who can provide food and care.
Frankly, the human race doesn`t seem to need any help turning out millions of babies every day, whether there are resources available or not, but it does give SMUT a reasonable agenda which every evil organization needs. And it gives the Man From O.R.G.Y. a perfect nemesis.
There aren`t as many Bond references as I had hoped for, and Dr Nyet is nothing like the Dr No we all love to hate... she’s a gorgeous but frigid Russian scientist working undercover. She has invented an anti birth control chemical, which not only counteracts the effects of normal contraception but acts as an irresistible aphrodisiac. Think about that a minute.
The hunt for Dr Nyet takes Steve on a Fleming-style leapfrog from one exotic locale to another, including skirmishes with KGB agents and Chinese hatchmen, fighting over a four foot jewelled golden phallus (really), as well as a mysterious series of deaths where the body is twisted grotesquely but unmarked. As a spy thriller, DR NYET is readable and even enjoyable most of the time, but with the softcore porn having lost much of its effect, the book is nothing memorable.
MY SON, THE DOUBLE AGENT From 1966, this was the sixth in a series of erotic spy spoofs published by Lancer Books. Written by veteran men's magazine author Ted Mark (Ted Gottfried), "The Man From O.R.G.Y." books were very popular for the last half of the 1960s but became sort of irrelevant and dated by the early 1970s. Re-reading this one now, it's surprising how snappy and enjoyable it seems. Ted Mark was good at telling a fast-moving story which would have been a perfectly acceptable spy thriller of that era (even without the generous icing of sexual activity). He throws in flashbacks and flashforwards and some travelogue material to liven things up. His biggest drawback is an occasional punchline that falls flat.These books are told in the first person by Steve Victor, a researcher who embodies his own little foundation O.R.G.Y. (the Organization For the Rational Guidance of Youth). Steve is basically running this so he can spend his life having sex around the world and writing articles about it, but he is also a genuine expert who might (in a stretch) be considered a hands-on sociologist. Anyway, he also is patriotic enough to accept assignments given to him by the enigmatic government spook Charles Putnam ("somewhere in that hazy world between diplomacy and espionage".In this particular adventure, Steve is out to investigate S.M.U.T., an international spy ring with an agenda to blow the world birthrate through the ceiling (by distributing faulty contraceptives and so forth), and the chase goes from Malta to Manila. There is some sort of carnal exploit in every chapter, but there's also gunplay and chases, all told with a breezy, lighthearted style. He also encounters a variety of unlikely characters, from a blowgun weilding Pygmy spy named Lagula to a bizarre hermaphrodite scientist to a Russian agent who has been surgically made to resemble Steve exactly -- and who uses the name Viktor Stevkosky. The later books in the series became tired and sort of stale, but the first half dozen or so are still a lot of fun.
AlligatorBy I*n Fl*m*ng (Michael K Frirth and Christopher Cerf) Hero: J*mes B*nd 007 (trade cover: World-Wide Import & Export Ltd)Heroine: Anagram Le Galion Villain: Lacertus Alligator (steel toothed; face purple from heart condition) Villain`s Employer: TOOTH (ex-Nazis) and SMERSH Villain`s Project: Steal British Parliament buildings, kidnap Queen for ransom Minor villain(s): -Mr Kynstondi, Mr Pazardzhik (both deaf mutes) -unnamed gigantic mute Korean -Heinrich (an alligator) -Kapitan Hammerstein Bond`s Friends: -M (head of the British Secret Service) -Llewylla (Bond`s housekeeper) -Bill (Chief of Staff) -Lilly Postlethwaite (Bond`s secretary) -Miss Pennyfarthing -Lord Dingletump (Glades Chairman) -Felix Ronson (CIA Agent who lost an arm and a leg to a shark in Florida on a previous mission with Bond) -Squabble (black native, i.e. Quarrel) 1: Table 14 Bond bored, contemplates his lethargy in a bar. Alligator and his entourage, including a blonde (Anagram Le Galion) and two deaf mute henchmen, enter. Bond also notices Alligator`s steel teeth [see quote]. One of the henchmen, on Alligator`s behalf, invites Bond to their table. 2: A Spray Of Violets Alligator spray-paints Bond`s face purple; Alligator loves the colour. Bond and Alligator discuss drinks and Bond explains how his own drink is made, then christens it the "Anagram". Alligator goes to the washroom. Anagram begs Bond to take her away, but once in her car, she has second thoughts and asks Bond to leave. 3: "Give Oop This Life O` Yourn" Bond`s Welsh housekeeper Llewylla wakes a cursing Bond up. Bill, the Chief Of Staff, phones. Bond drives to work. Ms Pennyfarthing tells him every London bridge has collapsed. 4: Interview With * M asks Bond about Alligator. Bond says he`s already met the man. M explains Alligator`s background, how Alligator became one of the world`s richest men, and that he cheats at cards. 5: The Man He Loved And Obeyed M continues. Alligator cheats at the card game "Go Fish". The Glades chairman didn`t want a scandal, so he asked M if any of his men could catch Alligator out. Bond prepares two decks of cards at home, picks M up and drives to Glades. Bond and M work out a signal: Bond will propose a toast when he`s cracked Alligator`s system. Once inside Glades, Bond becomes excited at the prospect of doing battle with Alligator. 6: "What`s Your Limit, Alligator?" Glade chairman Lord Dingletump, whose face has been spray-painted purple, introduces Bond and M to Alligator. Alligator promptly spray-paints their faces purple too. Bond and Alligator agree on terms and sit down to play cards. 7: "J*mes, Go Fish" Bond regrets the terms he`s just made with Alligator; if he loses 8 sets, it`ll cost him more than triple his annual income. Bond plays badly, Alligator keeps winning. Bond notices the two deaf mutes who stand behind him and realizes they`re using sign language to tell Alligator what cards he has. Bond throws his chair back, knocking one of the deaf mutes over. 8: "Gentlemen, The Queen" Alligator is ready to collect his winnings, but Bond challenges Alligator to a rematch for double the stakes. M reluctantly says that he`s good for Bond`s losses when Alligator asks. Before the rematch begins, Bond toasts the Queen, throwing his glass into the fireplace. Alligator tosses his and knocks Dingletump on the head. Bond switches cards with his doctored pack when Alligator spray-paints Dingletump again. The remaining deaf-mute signals Bond`s cards to Alligator. However, before Alligator does anything, Bond toasts the Queen again, and while nobody looks, slips both doctored "7s" from his sleeve into his hand, replacing them with his "kings". Alligator asks for Bond`s kings and is surprised when Bond doesn`t have any. Bond proceeds to demolish Alligator and win almost half a million pounds. Alligator writes out a cheque and says that if I were you I`d cash this quickly. 9: The Still Vexed Bermoothes In M`s office the next day. Apparently a purple crocodile killed the head of Station B; M wants Bond to investigate. (M also thanks Bond for donating the "Go Fish" winnings to the White Cross which benefits families of service agents killed in duty.) Bond, rather annoyed that M has sent him on a routine investigation, flies to Bermuda, where he happens across Alligator and Anagram at the Coral Beach Club. (Bond is annoyed to find American currency in as much use as British.) 10: A View From The Terrace Bond lunches with Alligator (who spray-paints Bond`s face) and Anagram (who decides that Bond reminds her of Hoagy Carmichael). Alligator leaves to use the washroom; Anagram begs Bond to come to her room tomorrow evening where she will explain everything. 11: T.O.O.T.H. Bond gets M`s cable next morning: the criminal organization T.O.O.T.H. has stolen the Parliament buildings, floating them down the River Thames, with the Queen, the PM, and other notables on board. T.O.O.T.H. demands one hundred million pounds ransom. Bond`s friend and former CIA agent Felix Ronson sneaks up on him; thinking it might be an enemy, Bond overpowers him and Ronson lands in scrambled egg. In between good-natured banter a la Fleming`s originals, Felix explains that he`s down here investigating an alligator smuggling ring. 12: An American Chap Bond meets Bermuda`s Governor, who explains that Alligator bought one of the Bermuda Islands, and built a replica of Parliament painted purple on it. That evening, Bond dines with Anagram. 13: Things That Go Bump In The Night Bond and Anagram go for a late night swim, where he discovers that Alligator hypnotized her, then painted her torso and nether regions purple. Back in his room, they slide into bed, and an alligator hidden beneath the bedspread lunges at them. Bond throws Anagram to the floor and shoots the alligator five times in the mouth. Soon afterwards, a bellboy knocks on the door and says that Felix Ronson is dead, chewed up by an alligator. Anagram tells Bond her backstory. SMERSH kidnapped her lover, Roger Entwhistle (004) and told her that they would kill him if she didn`t spy for them. They subsequently gave her to Alligator who made the same conditions. Alligator expected her to entice men whom he could feed to his alligators. Alligator would say, "I have to go to the bathroom", his signal that he wanted her to entice the man, thereby explaining her previous inconsistent behaviour with Bond. Anagram had told Alligator that Bond had changed his mind that day in the restaurant. Alligator retaliated by supposedly having Roger killed. He also blackmailed her about her part in the deaths in case she tried leaving him or telling anybody. She also explains that Alligator`s favourite Alligator, Heinrich, killed the Head of Station B and Felix Ronson, both of whom had been nosing around. Bond decides to visit Alligator`s island base. 14: Alligator`s Lair Squabble brings the diving gear, and the three of them head for the coast. Alligator, in his car, passes them on the way, and pulls a lever releasing ambergris (whale vomit). Squabble, Bond and Amber`s motor-bicycles skid. Squabble`s goes over the cliff, killing him. Bond and Anagram continue on to Alligator`s lair. 15: Death Of A Frogman They swim to Alligator`s island; a frogman attacks and a CO2 spear barely misses Bond. The two men struggle and Bond kills him. A whirlpool vortex sucks a struggling Bond and Anagram into Alligator`s lair. Alligator knocks Bond unconcious. 16: The Pleasure Of His Company Bond comes to, shackled to a chair, and notices an invite to dinner and a menu list. Bond lists how he wants his food prepared. The building vibrates and lists from side to side; Bond realizes that the building has become water-borne like a boat. 17: The House Of Usher Bond hears two sets of chimes, each apparently four hours apart, and realizes that Alligator stole the Parliament buildings. Stormtroopers march him out at gun point onto a boat which takes him to the real Westminster Hall several hundred yards away; the replica is then sunk. 18 Pandora`s Box Bond realizes that Alligator intended to float the real buildings out to where the replicas stood so that nobody would be the wiser. Alligator greets him, spray-paints his face purple, then takes him to see the Queen and the PM, the House of Lords, Lord Snowdon (Princess Margaret`s photographer ex-husband), whose faces have also all been spray-painted purple, inside the House of Commons chambers. Two debates are under way, both concerning Britain`s entry into the Common Market. At dinner, Mr Pazardzhik`s fake right arm shoots two darts out of his index finger into a Winston Churchill portrait; each of the darts was dipped in philopon, a Japanese murder drug. When Bond calls Alligator a maniac, Alligator counters that he considers himself an artist and compares himself to Hitler, Alexander The Great and Napoleon. Alligator also implies that Anagram is still a loyal operative, making Bond wonder if Anagram led him into this trap. Alligator tells his life story over dinner: from humble origins, through alligator smuggling, to his current plan and beyond. Several distractions let Bond swipe utensils and Alligator`s spray-paint can off the dinner table when no one is looking. Alligator further explains that he`ll turn on Russia and that the world will be his. An unnamed mute gigantic Korean comes in and karate chops Bond unconscious. 19: Do Not Puncture Or Incinerate Bond comes to in the Parliament building`s fourth sub-basement. Alligator and a naked Anagram, painted purple from neck to knee, stand there. Bond curses himself for trusting her. Alligator threatens torture and a painful death if Bond doesn`t say who he`s working for. When Bond doesn`t respond, Alligator bites Bond`s calf with his steel teeth. Bond knocks his chair forward, overpowering Alligator. Alligator presses a button and Bond drops through the floor into an alligator pool. The alligator bites, inadvertantly cutting the ropes that bind Bond to the chair. Bond uses the weapons he stole from the dinner table to injure the alligator, ultimately killing it: Bond jams the spray-paint can into the alligator`s mouth. The alligator chomps down on it, the canister explodes, a shard lodges in the reptile`s windpipe. The trap door reopens, Bond vaults out and sees Anagram tied to an overturned chair; she had been on his side all along. Since Alligator`s men don`t suspect her loyalties, Bond wants her to get the MPs out of the ballot room. 20 Noon G.M.T. - Saturday The MPs debate each other. Anagram cons Kapitan Hammerstein into believing that Alligator wants to see him and his men, and that he`s to give her the gun to keep watch over the British politicans. Bond joins her, and asks for the PM. Mr Pazardzhik shoves a note under the door asking the PM to see Alligator. Bond puts on the PM`s wig and robe, and carries the mace (the ceremonial metal object, not the spray), and goes to see Alligator. Steps away from Alligator, Kynstondi recognizes Bond and Mr Pazardzhik lifts his dart hand to fire. Bond knocks the arm off with the mace, then crushes Mr Kynstondi`s head. Alligator makes a run for it; Bond shoots him and chases him up the stairs to Big Ben. Alligator crumples and falls into the clockwork. 21 "When`s Supper?" An injured Bond in M`s office. The PM had offered Bond a VC, but M had to explain that the service doesn`t go in for that sort of thing. The PM has told newspaper editors that what happened was a test run for moving the Parliament buildings in case of enemy attack. M offers Bond two weeks leave. Bond finds Anagram waiting for him in his home. They kiss.
James Bond mit 14...
Dr Evil By Ian Fleming, aged 14 1/2James Bond strode into the hallway of Dr Evil`s house, wearing an immaculate school blazer which had been made for him by Jacob Schneider of Lucerne, which I think is in Switzerland, and asked the receptionist to tell Dr Evil that James Bond had come to see him."Dr Evil?" she said into the phone. "There is a boy called Bond to see you.""Who is almost 17," said James."Who is only 17," she said. "Yes, sir. Will you take the lift to the third floor?"When Bond left the lift at the third floor he found himself face to face with Dr Evil, a squat, ugly, horrible little man who was uncannily like a certain schoolmaster."What can I do for you, Master Bond?" he said leering.Bond felt in his pocket casually to check that his 2 1/2 lb catapult, made of choice elm wood by a master craftsman in Bond Street, which is a very important street near Piccadilly, was loaded. He only used the very best conkers, imported from his aunt in Ireland, which was better than most aunts who only sent you book tokens."I think you know what I have come for, " he said coolly, no, icily."You have my replica authentic Japanese destroyer which fires real hara-kiri aeroplanes, which you confiscated for your own devilish ends. Sir."The face of Dr Evil went pale and he reached for his poison gun, but before he could pull it out Bond had pounced. At lightning speed he fastened the evil man in a half-Nelson, gave him a Chinese burn, did a quick knuckle-crusher and punched him in the nose. Dr Evil sank lifeless to the ground, only he wasn`t really dead. Like a flash, Bond entered the nearest room. There, on the bed, was the most fantastic blonde, really smashing, with no clothes on at all, if you know what I mean, like in books. There, on the table was his authentic Japanese destroyer."Who are you?" she gasped huskily gazing at the handsome stranger."I am James Bond and I am 16 3/4," he said in as low a voice as possible. "I have just killed your friend Dr Evil, but he will live."He strode to the table and picked up the destroyer. Before he left the room he turned to the girl, well, woman, and said:"You will get cold lying around with no clothes on, anyway it looks silly, whatever they say in books. I would get a dressing gown on if I were you.Moments later there came the distinctive sound of Bond`s super three-speed-gear Raleigh as he pedalled away down the drive."
Der Kampf der Giganten!
Holmes Meets 007The wind was up in Holmes, make no doubt of that. He stood now with his back to me, gazing down into Baker Street. The great detective had been pacing the room for a quarter hour. Now he turned from the window with an exclamation. "Ha! Exactly as I anticipated." The aquiline features, so recently strained, were suddenly animated. "Quick, Watson. Our visitors have arrived. Help me get my things while Mrs Hudson is showing them up.""Odd carriage that," I muttered, glancing through the pane as I picked up Holmes` violin from the window seat."Come, come, Watson. A carriage? That`s a Bentley, surely. Sawed, chopped, channelled and fitted with a Sardley overhead cutout, unless I miss my guess. I`ve done a little monograph on the Sardley, as a matter of fact." "And you have no idea why they want to see us? I asked Holmes."Only vaguely," he replied. "But the real truth is that it is I who want to see them. Particularly one of them."While saying this he had clapped his fez on his head. Now, jamming a meerschaum between his teeth and dropping into the big leather chair, Holmes began sawing at his fiddle. His playing always has the same effect on me and so I was as edgy as he had been by the time a knock sounded at our door.I opened it to face a square, craggy figure of commanding presence. He was perhaps 60 and his hands were thrust into the pockets of a kind of officer`s coat. He pierced me with a flinty glance and, without removing the briar from his mouth, stalked past me into the room.Behind him a younger man, dark and athletic and done out in flannel of impeccable Savile Row cut, moved with cat’s stealth through the doorway. Behind me Holmes crashed into the coda of one of his beloved concerti. I nodded to the hovering Mrs Hudson to let her know the pair was expected and closed the door."Dr Watson, I believe," said the older of the two, eyeing me and then turning to Holmes who, taking no notice of their arrival, continued his fiddling. "Call me M. This is Mr James Bond and --. I say, can’t you get him to stop that? he asked, waving his pipe in Holmes` direction."This won’t do, M," I heard Bond say in an undertone. "We knew the man was an addict, but a musician too? And look at those clothes. Can this be Holmes?"Just at that moment my friend laid down his violin, took the pipe from his mouth and cooly rose to greet the visitors."Good evening, gentlemen. Sorry you had trouble with the Bentley. Those Sardley devices can be difficult. Actually, of course, there`s a garage just down from where you stalled that specializes in them." Holmes` little gambit had its intended effect."How the devil did you know that?" exclaimed Bond."Elementary, my dear naught naught seven," purred Holmes. "You are late for an appointment that you yourself described as of `supreme importance." Conclusion? The delay was unavoidable. There`s a smudge of oil on your sleeve, which tells me you’ve been under the bonnet, and I noticed your Sardley was wheezing when you drove up. The spot of earth on your shoe is of a texture peculiar to a stretch of Bromley Road where I noticed yesterday that the gas company was excavating." "Damnably clever," nodded M. "Bond, why don`t you do things like that? Save yourself some of that wear and tear, hmm?"Holmes allowed himself a small condescending smile while Bond`s face closed again into the impassive mask which I took to be habitual with him."Yes, nice trick," he sniffed. "Somewhat circusy, but neat. Would it have the desired effect on a SMERSH man, though? A touch of the steel, a taste of the Walther, a karate chop. Those are more likely to impress the blighters.""I dare say you’re right," M sighed. "Still it would be pleasant if the office could conduct some of its business on a somewhat quieter, more civilized plane."I drew up chairs and was just seating our guests when I felt Bond`s eyes on me. I turned to him questioningly, but he only shook his head in mild irritation -- but not before exchanging glances with M. I felt, for some reason, a certain trepidation."Watson, why don`t you ask Mrs Hudson to set out tea," said Holmes.M raised his hand in protest. "Please. James has already seen to our refreshment. He`s having something sent `round from the club. Should be here directly, wouldn’t you say, James?""If Alex can manage the souffle in this cold," Bond replied. "Can’t rush those things. Then there`s the Vouvray Mousseux to be brought to the proper chill, and --""Took James half an hour to order the stuff," said M, his tone a mixture of pique and grudging admiration. "He does things like that, you know.""Curious obsession," mused Holmes, to whom the food was inconsequent.Bond stiffened. "it`s not an obsession. It`s simply an amenity. I prefer to dine well, just as I prefer to live in Chelsea instead of in a more -- um -- prosaic neighborhood. Like Baker Street," he added, unnecessarily, I thought."Now, now, gentlemen," put in M. "We`ll leave all that for another time. Right now, there`s a more pressing -- and delicate -- matter I`d like to attend to. James, this is your show."Bond leaned his cruel face forward and stared balefully at Holmes."I`ll be blunt then," he said. "We know all about your habit.""My habit?""Your habit. You are a user, a junkie. What is it this week, cocaine or morphine?"I couldn’t suppress a surge of triumph. For years I had told Holmes that his little peculiarity would some day lead him astray. He caught the look on my face and said wryly: "I`ve never made a secret of my -- er -- habit as you put it. Indeed even were I so inclined, Watson’s constant scribblings about me would have insured disclosure.""Watson, you say?" and Bond gave me another of his cold looks, less guarded than before. "DOCTOR Watson. And I suppose he is also your connection?"Holmes, who is even less familiar with the changing language of the street than I, showed puzzlement."Your connection, your source of narcotics supply," said M in explanation, his eyes now gleaming behind a wreath of pipe smoke. "Why yes," answered Holmes, "Watson has been good enough to supply my modest needs for stimulants." "There!" cried Bond. "Does that satisfy you, M? We have him. I told you the methods of procural matched out TTD report." In one fluid movement the Walther PPF appeared in Bond`s hand. But instead of turning the weapon on Holmes, Bond levelled the wicked instrument at my own breasts."What is the meaning of this?" I demanded. "I am a medical practitioner and responsible for--""Come off that now," said Bond, his voice like a whip. "It has worked too long. You can’t hide behind Holmes any longer.""My dear fellow, what are you trying to say?" asked Holmes with a composure that, considering the situation, irked me considerably. He had picked up his violin again and was idly plucking at the strings."What I mean," said Bond, "is that your good Dr Watson is an imposter. We’ve gotten onto him through his worldwide narcotics contacts. Watson," and he paused for dramatic effect, "is none other than my old antagonist Ernst Stavro Blofeld, master of disguise, fiend incarnate, slayer of my bride and now delivered into my hands."He fingered the safety on the Walther and I recalled suddenly the significance of his naught naught classification: authorized to kill. Bond glanced at M and I saw the old seadog return his look with a barely perceptible nod. It was a nasty situation.But I reckoned without Holmes. In a flash, he brought his precious Stradivarius down on Bond`s gun hand. Violin and pistol exploded together. However, Holmes had deflected the muzzle sufficiently so that the bullet passed harmlessly through the cloth of my trousers -- a bare two inches from the spit in my leg that had received the Jezail bullet in `80."Damned musician!" Bond growled gripping his injured hand. Holmes meanwhile had leaped to the side table and extracted something from the drawer."Quick, Watson, guard the door." I landed against the portal one step ahead of M, whose face was now a mirror of hate. Holmes was instantly at my side, a hypodermic syringe in his hand. Tearing back the man’s shirt cuff he plunged the needle into M`s arm. The powerful morphine concentrate worked with appalling suddenness and M slid to the carpet."Good lord, Holmes," I exclaimed. "Why him? Get Bond.""Nonsense, Watson, naught naught seven is simply an accessory, a fairly ignorant tool. This is our man on the floor. I recognized him as soon as he stepped out of the Bentley. Now if you’ll ring up Lestrade we`ll write finis to the only uncompleted business remaining on my books.""Holmes, you don`t mean...?""Precisely, Watson, the greatest schemer of all time, the organizer of every deviltry, the controlling brain of the underworld, a brain which might have made or marred the destiny of nations has been ensconced for these years in Special Branch. Our visitor M is none other than our old enemy Professor Moriarty.""Amazing, Holmes. You outdo yourself.""Elementary, my dear Watson or Blofeld or whatever. Now I believe I shall repair to the study and work up a little monograph on the subject while it is still fresh in mind -- and before you manage to romanticize it quite out of credibility."Then I noticed the crestfallen figure standing near the window."What should we do with Bond?" I asked."Bond? Oh, send him back to his little bureaucratic niche, I expect. Really, I couldn’t be less concerned."
Our Man From Sadisto 1965 Ember Library EL 301 "MEET 0008 - FEARLESS LOVER, FEARLESS KILLER"
Our Girl From Mephisto 1965 Ember Library EL 305 "LOVER AND KILLER, 0008 FACED THE SIN AND TERROR OF TATU IN THE ARMS OF - Our Girl From Mephisto"
Nautipuss 1965 Ember Library EL 309"AGENT 0008 BATTLES THE TEMPTRESS OF THE DEEP"
Go-Go Sadisto 1966 Ember Library EL 313"LOVER-KILLER AGENT 0008 FACES THE BOTULISM PERIL OF - Go-Go Sadisto"
The Desdamona Affair 1966 Ember Library EL 317 "LOVER-KILLER 0008 MEETS THE WANTON OF ALL TIME IN - The Desdamona Affair"
Gamefinger 1966 Ember Library EL 321"AGENT 0008 BATTLES THE ROMAN SIN HORDES OF - Gamefinger"
Sadisto Royale 1966 Ember Library EL 325"KILLER AGENT 0008 FACES ECSTASY AND PERIL IN THE DIABOLICAL SIN-GAME OF SENSOVISION!"
0008 Meets Gnatman 1966 Leisure Book LB 1140"IN THE POP BATTLE OF THE CENTURY - 0008 Meets Gnatman"
For Your Sighs Only 1966 Ember Library EL 329"SADISTO AGENT 0008 BRAVES THE PERIL OF CHINESE ARMS IN - For Your Sighs Only"
The Lost Bomb 1966 Ember Library EL 333"AGENT 0008 FACES THE LUSTY MAIDEN PERIL OF - The Lost Bomb"
The Merciless Mermaids 1966 Leisure Book LB 1159"AGENT 0008 DIVES INTO THE VOLUPTUOUS PERIL OF - The Merciless Mermaids"
Mondo Sadisto 1966 Leisure Book LB 1160"0008 FLOUNDERS THROUGH A SEA OF LOVELY CARNAGE"
0008 Meets Modesta Blaze 1966 Leisure Book LB 1169"WATCH OUT, J. P. GREENSLEEVES"
The Sex-Ray 1966 Leisure Book LB 1174"THE ARMAMENT RACE WAS GETTING PRETTY RACY!"
Roburta The Conqueress 1966 Leisure Book LB 1176"GREAT SCOT, THE FLESH FEUD IS ON! - IT'S - Roburta The Conqueress"
From Rapture With Love 1966 Leisure Book LB 1180"TREVOR TRIPS, BUT WITH SWEET PSYCHEDELIA SCHMIDT"
The Ice Maiden 1967 Ember Library EL 365"SADISTO STALKS THE RED HOT MAMA OF THE FROZEN NORTH!"
The Sin Funnel 1967 Candid Reader CA 901"AGENT 0008 RETURNS...FOR A HOT TIME IN A TIME MACHINE!"
Platypussy 1968 Nightstand NB 1877"THE INTREPID 0008 OPERATES DOWN UNDER!"
The Desert Damsels 1968 Candid Reader CA 930"AGENT 0008 STALKS BURNING SANDS AND SIZZLING NOMAD MAIDENS!"
"Die Leute wollen Spass, wenn sie viel Geld haben, aber bin ich jemals mit Geld gut umgegangen? Nein, nicht wirklich. Ich mag es Geld auszugeben. Ich will keine Millionen auf der Bank umliegen haben. Ich ließ mich scheiden, das hat mich ein bißchen zurückgeworfen - shit happens. Geld ist nicht so wichtig, wichtiger ist es, gute Rock 'n' Roll Musik zu machen."<br>(Liam Gallagher)